


kitten acquisition

by unimate



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Cats, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22761328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unimate/pseuds/unimate
Summary: MARTINRight, uh, bit of an odd story. There’s just, a cat—JOHNWhat?MARTINOr, a kitten, really. It’s very small. I’m not sure how it got in, maybe someone propped a door open for a delivery. It’s gone under a shelf. I’ve got animal control on the line, and—(the Admiral appears)
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 5
Kudos: 136





	kitten acquisition

**Author's Note:**

> initially written for the patreon's fluff contest, before i realized the stories weren't supposed to take place pre-canon.

JOHN [STARTS PROFESSIONAL AND BECOMES MORE DUBIOUS AS IT GOES ON. PEAK GRUMP JOHN HERE FOLKS.] 

Statement of Rami Bitar, and his alleged encounter with the physical manifestation of the concept of mortality. 

The first time I died, I was seven years old. It was a routine surgery, by all accounts, and--

*Beep* 

JOHN [breaking character]   
Dammit. 

[SEVERAL KEYS HIT ON A KEYBOARD, LOW-KEY GRUMBLING.] 

JOHN  
Let’s see if…[CLEARS THROAT] 

Statement of Rami Bitar, and his alleged encounter with the — 

BEEP 

JOHN   
Dammit! 

*polite knock* 

MARTIN  
Pardon me, er, Mr. Sims? Sorry to be a bother, have you got a moment? 

JOHN [WITH GREAT CONSTERNATION]   
Well, the audio equipment has been malfunctioning all morning, so, I suppose. Yes. 

MARTIN  
Oh. That’s—that’s odd, it was fine the other day, have you tried reopening Audacity? 

JOHN [WHO WILL NOT BE TOLD HOW TO USE BASIC OPEN-SOURCE SOFTWARE BY AN ARCHIVAL ASSISTANT]   
What did you need? 

MARTIN  
Right, uh, bit of an odd story. There’s just, a cat—

JOHN   
What? 

MARTIN  
Or, a kitten, really. It’s very small. I’m not sure how it got in, maybe someone propped a door open for a delivery. It’s gone under a shelf. I’ve got animal control on the line, and—

JOHN   
What, for a cat? Has it got venom sacks? 

MARTIN  
No? Just, it’s in artifact storage, so I thought—

JOHN  
Even less reason to have people stomping through. I’m sure we can sort it out, Matthew. 

MARTIN [SURPRISED THAT JOHN HAS OFFERED HELP]   
Oh, uh, brilliant! Let’s—

*sounds of them hurrying down a corridor* 

It’s just through—

JOHN  
Yes, I’m aware, thank you. 

MARTIN   
Right, right. And it’s, um. Martin. 

JOHN  
Pardon? 

MARTIN   
My name. Martin Blackwood. 

JOHN   
Right, right. Sorry. It’s just—a lot of names, faces. The changeover has been—

MARTIN  
—Abrupt, right. 

JOHN  
Exactly. Now, where is the— 

*meow* 

MARTIN  
Just there. My arm’s not long enough, and it just keeps swiping at me. I don’t want to hurt it, but—

JOHN [VOICE NOTICEABLY SWEETER WHEN ADDRESSING THE CAT]   
Hmm, let’s see, let’s take a look at you—oh! Big eyes. There you are. C’mon, darling. It’s alright, nothing in here can hurt you—

MARTIN  
Well—

JOHN  
It’s a cat, Martin, it doesn’t care about the occult. 

MARTIN   
Right. Fair enough. Unless it’s a witch’s cat.

[JOKES ATTEMPTED. ATTEMPT FAILED.] 

JOHN  
Show me a witch first, and then I’ll…ouch! 

MARTIN   
Did it get you? 

JOHN  
It’s alright, just a little scratch, no hard feelings. C’mon, kitty. It’s alright. 

MARTIN   
Here, what if—

*plastic crackling* 

MARTIN   
It’s a little greasy but—

JOHN  
Here, look at this, a lovely little bit of plastic to eat. Won’t that be nice? Ah, yes, there we go. There we go. 

*contented purring* 

MARTIN   
It’s so small. 

JOHN   
There you go, there you go, oh you poor little shivering thing. Up you get. Yes, very brave. Look at those stripes. A little admiral, aren’t you? 

MARTIN   
You are…surprisingly good with cats. 

JOHN  
There you are, [TO MARTIN] Why surprising? 

MARTIN   
Oh, I don’t know. You just…you don’t really come off as a cat person. At first. Thanks for your help, by the way. I was worried I’d have to bother Mr. Bouchard and honestly, he makes me a bit nervous. 

JOHN  
Elias is just--well, just make sure you log your sick leave and you’ll be fine. 

MARTIN   
Shall I try to find an animal shelter, or do we call the police? For the cat. Not the police, obviously, I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m just not really sure of the procedure here. 

JOHN  
Yes, I don’t think he’s quite nasty enough to get the law involved. Just a bit scratchy, aren’t you? 

MARTIN  
His little ears are so soft! 

THE ADMIRAL  
MROW! 

MARTIN   
Ouch! 

JOHN  
You have to be gentle, come on now. 

MARTIN   
Ah, right—

THE ADMIRAL   
Purrrrrr

JOHN  
There you go. I’ve got a friend who’s been thinking about getting a cat, I think they’d be suited, temperamentally speaking. 

MARTIN   
Brilliant, I’m glad he has—has prospects. Thank you. I know I already said that, but really—the others say, well—

JOHN  
Say what? 

MARTIN  
Oh, nothing, it’s not important. 

JOHN  
Martin, what do they say? 

MARTIN [BEHOLDING COMPULSION OR JOHN’S NATURAL MAGNETISM? WHO CAN SAY?]   
Oh, just that you’re a bit..prickly. That you, uh, barely seem human sometimes. Which is just, obviously rubbish, I mean… 

JOHN [A bit hurt but unwilling to let on].   
Well, good. Maybe then they’ll leave me be to get some work done. If the bloody thing would record. 

MARTIN   
If you’re still having trouble, there’s actually a few old tape recorders lying around. I’m not honestly sure where they came from, but might do in a pinch? 

JOHN   
Oh, I—I suppose that might work? Thanks, Martin. 

MARTIN   
Sure, um, boss. 

ADMIRAL   
Mrooowwww

JOHN  
Let’s just call up Georgie, alright? Tell her we’ve got a surprise…


End file.
